No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
