So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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