I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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