you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
