My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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