Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
