im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
