I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
