Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This house was built for laser tag.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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