i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
