i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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