so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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