my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
