Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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