There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
