I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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