Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
