hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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