it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
