I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
