FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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