You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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