I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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