I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
