wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
