Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
