My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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