I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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