Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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