my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
