Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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