I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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