I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
