is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
