I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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