we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
