I wannas sexs uuuuu
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
