i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
