So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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