on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
