i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
