i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
