Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
