Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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