You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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