i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just high enough for therapy.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
