So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you had me at cake vodka
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
