Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
