I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
