Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
3pm strippers are depressing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
