My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
