As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
