i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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